Here I am, pressed flat
Against the glass wall
There between you and me
A wall you put up
But only after I
Gave you the glass
Now I cut myself on the shards
Of the glass I made
And you put up
How do I stop feeling cut?
How do I help you feel safe?
I don't know, I don't know
Maybe time will smooth the shards
And grind the glass down
Or maybe all we'll be left with
Is a lonely glass wall
With neither of us pressed against it
One of us has to choose
To reach a hand through
The sharp glass between us
You, I think, don't know how
Or are too afraid
So, let it be me then
It might always be me
But perhaps that is a burden
I can shoulder for you
You endure much for me
So let me be the one
Who gets cut to heal us
I never used to cry much
Comforting my friends
Hearing how affected they are
I always felt like
I couldn't relate much
Nothing could shake me
And then someone did shake me
Someone I trusted
Someone I loved
And I realized the reason
I'd never been shaken
Was that I'd been lucky
Lucky to have never loved
Someone who
Would betray my love
Until I did
And did again
And did again
Now here I am
Someone who cries
Who cannot sleep
Whose heart pounds unneeded
Whose eyes water unbidden
Whose mouth moves unchecked
Who am I now?
I don't know
I don't know
I never used to cry much
Comforting my friends
Hearing how affected they are
I always felt like
I couldn't relate much
Nothing could shake me
And then someone did shake me
Someone I trusted
Someone I loved
And I realized the reason
I'd never been shaken
Was that I'd been lucky
Lucky to have never loved
Someone who
Would betray my love
Until I did
And did again
And did again
Now here I am
Someone who cries
Who cannot sleep
Whose heart pounds unneeded
Whose eyes water unbidden
Whose mouth moves unchecked
Who am I now?
I don't know
I don't know
Why am I
Good enough to be liked
Good enough to enjoy with
Good enough to laugh with
But not
Good enough to be loved
Good enough to listen with
Good enough to cry with?
I tried to kill hope
I tried to stab it in its heart
Let the blood gush out
Beat after beat
Until it stopped
But when I took out the knife
Hope didn't bleed
No blood came rushing out
Hope was stronger than the knife
It barely flinched from my effort
To bury it in a grave
So I left it there
A weight pulling me down
Hanging around my neck
Hunching my shoulders
Sapping my energy
Hope, why won't you die?
Is it just because I tried to kill you?
Do you live just to spite me?
And yet, still now, you live
You live and live
The glass wall ended up
With just me pressed against it
And you leaving the other side
By your own volition
I press my palms against it
Watch you as you look
Towards a better and brighter future
One without me
And I want to punch and claw my way
Through the glass
I pound my fist
And you look at me
Your gaze is kind
But not warm
You care about me absently
The way you care for many people
Not in any special way
Not anymore
What is pride?
Is it pride to not want to hurt someone?
But by doing so, also protect yourself?
Is sometimes taking a risk,
Pushing close to someone,
Forcing them to let you in,
Not letting them keep you out,
Is that sometimes letting go of pride?
I never used to fear the night
But now it feels like it’s closing in
A suffocating blanket of silence
I used to find comfort in the dark
In the stillness
But now it’s filled with echoes
With the sound of your voice
With the memory of your touch
The dark used to be my friend
But now it’s my enemy
A reminder of what I’ve lost
It’s a strange thing
To love someone who doesn’t love you back
To hold their name in your mouth like a prayer
While they hold your heart like a stone
You give and give
Until there’s nothing left to give
And still, unwittingly, unknowingly
They take and take
Leaving you empty
A shell of who you once were